“Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 84) This is an excerpt from the Ninth Step Promises in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I used to hear this and the only way I could imagine the fear of economic insecurity leaving me was that I would make and have more money. Of course, more money would mean more savings, no debt, owning everything I could possibly ever want, etc, etc. This is particularly funny in hindsight. I make enough money to provide for everything my family and I need. But what my history, as it pertains to money, should prove to me, is that it doesn’t matter how much money I make, the insecurity has always been there. As I have progressed through my career, my income has continuously increased. But my financial security has never improved. You see, more income led to more expensive spending habits and more debt.
A few years ago it became apparent to me that there was no promise of greater income or having more money, the promise in the 9th step is that the FEAR of financial insecurity would leave me. I decided that for the fear of financial insecurity to leave me, that must mean that I needed to spend less. We have made many changes to our lives to curb spending habits and to get our expenses in line, but of course there is always room for improvement. But guess what? I still have financial insecurity. To the point where I will feel pretty good for a while about what and how things are going, then some silly little purchase might set me off. I believe part of this is that I am still working on financial amends with our government. Sometimes I can still justify some kind of purchase that may not be entirely necessary and then I realize that money may have been better spent elsewhere.
So how do I get rid of the financial insecurity? Is it not apparent to me that I am still trying to manage the outcome of my financial future? My wife and I were recently driving home and I was explaining go her about how, intellectually, I understand that the reason I have the insecurity is because I am still trying to control my financial future, rather than turning the results over to God. I am so full of fear about the future and finances. How will I ever have enough money to retire? Who will pay for my step-daughter’s university? How will I ever pay off the house and save enough to leave behind after I am gone? This is, of course, a very small part of the list that can keep me awake at night for hours if I let it.
If you notice, every one of those questions is my fear of what is going to happen in the future. It is becoming abundantly clear to me that in this area of my life, I am absolutely not turning the results over to God. I am still hanging on to control, playing the director in my life rather than the actor. It is all about me thinking I know or have to know what is best for me and those around me.
As I said, I explained to my wife during this car ride that intellectually, it is so easy for me to understand what I am doing and how wonderful it would feel to be free of this fear. I said I just want to be at that point, where I have turned it over to God and I am not concerned about the future. At this point she outright laughed at me and pointed out how nice it would be if it were just that easy. I think she may have even used the phrase “easier, softer way”. I have since come to realize that: “faith without works is dead” also applies. The good news is that I am just now embarking on a journey through the steps again with a group of 8 other men. I look forward to this exercise and am sure my financial insecurities, as well as some other fears, will be central in my work.
I recently heard an AA old-timer that I greatly respect speak about a similar situation. His solution was to determine what the worst possible outcome of his situation would be, and then pray for acceptance of that outcome, if it was God’s will for him. He continued that prayer daily until he was able to truly accept the possibility of that outcome becoming reality. The other thing he pointed out was to use the word “today” in my vocabulary much, much more. This helps keep me focused on today rather than the future. So here it goes:
What can I do about my financial insecurity TODAY? Ah, that feels better already!